The Weight We Carry

I have been speaking to many (women in particular), that have NOTICED A THEME, that when certain situations ‘change’, so does their body weight. Women are like accordions that expand and extract, release and contract due to the emotional stresses of the world around them.

It is often said that women are the mirrors / reflectors of the world and men the projectors. We can’t generalise for sure, we all project and we all highlight and express our emotions in our own unique ways but, the things we have been discussing look a lot like:

“I carried this weight for so many years and then as soon as we separated (which is an increasing theme of many of my female friends and also instigated by them) that weight just falls away.

They put it down to stress of divorce and changing circumstances but many now are wondering if its not a release of ‘CARRYING’ the emotional burden that men seemed to hand to the women in their marriages that they themselves refused to share the burden with. (not judging men FYI but just highlighting the voices of these women)

And it is a conversation that has been so LOUD over the last few years that I cannot help but look into whether there is a real physical factor here birthed out of emotional trauma that relationships have endured.

Many of these women will state that their relationships weren’t ‘terrible’ but they just got to a point where they were so tired of asking for help and not being heard / help not being received so they ultimately decided that it would be easier and more peaceful for them to go it alone. Many of them stating that their own children had encouarged them to make the break for everyones sake so that the situation all round could be a more peaceful one, even though it breaks the home because noone wants to live in a ‘bear is better than man’ situation 😦

And then one said to me a couple of weeks ago that her ex partner, who she is still good friends with had taken her out for dinner for a catch up and check in and after the dinner he had made a point of saying to her ‘How come you never looked this good for me?’ hahaha

And she honestly said to him with a cackle in her voice ‘Because you broke me hon and now I feel at peace‘…..

MY OWN SISTER came on holiday here a few weeks ago and no jokes, her and the kids were in the airport (with Bonnie Blue might I add – Again, a chick thats carried a LOT OF MAN WEIGHT) and they saw a BLIND woman pushing the luggage trolley with 2 kids positioned on top of the suitcases, stick un hand while her husband dragged behind, OH HIS PHONE…..COME ON!

So, not to assume that this is the case all the time but it is certainly a perspective to consider given the voices that dare to speak and not at all suggesting that all men are useless t*ats but that the reasons for leaving were a build up of such pressure that the men could simply not acknowledge that they made it impossible for their women to stay 😦

I am a huge advocate for marriage, familt units, nuclear families and unions and I hugely support the masculine and men in general and I see and feel their isolation, worries, turbulent relationships with self, loneliness, disconnect from their natural states into one that is upside down and distorted at every opportunity via harmful anti-patriarchal agendas and disciminatory oppositions (THEY CLEARLY EXIST) But MEN, why are you not stepping up? Your women have asked you to, clearly expressed it to you yet you are so lost you would rather lose your marriages than share the ‘invisible’ work load or figure out a way to better communicate and express your love / commitment and dedication to your ‘other half’?

These women are not wanting to be split in half. They are the sex that is trying to put the whole back together but YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!

Many will say they do all they can to include their husbands in family events, household hang outs, social occasions but their husbands recluse into the MAN CAVE and hide in their worries waving the pity flag whilst putting all the pressure of their worries unconsciously / subconsciously on their women while the women have no option but to carry on moving forwards otherwise the HOUSE BURNS DOWN

And in many cases, the house has burnt down and the family divides but sadly, the women find release and peace in this even though it breaks their hearts. So here’s a little thought piece below that maybe hits a note and offers some clarity on what some of you / many of you might be going through and how it shows up in your physical body – And if you are curious to find out more about this BODY/ EMOTION connection (MEN PLEASE READ THIS TOO AS IT WAS WRITTEN FOR YOU), please check out of previous 2 posts on the twilight zone that looks at the difference between SURVIVAL STATE (Where most men are right now given the state of the external world) and the CREATIVE STATE (Where most women wish they could be but they need their builders on site for construction)

A BEAUTIFUL PIECE ON THE WEIGHT WE CARRY:

Not all weight is visible.

For some arrives quietly…..

A careless comment here. A night of walking on eggshells there. Years of swallowing your own feelings because someone else cannot tolerate them.

Holding your breath so another person can breathe

Becoming the emotional climate regulator (shock absorbers) inside a home that has forgotten what peace feels like.

Eventually the body begins to remember what the mind has tried to forget.

We often speak about “carrying the weight of the world” as though it were merely a figure of speech.

But perhaps it is also a biological one

The nervous system does not distinguish particularly well between physical danger and emotional uncertainty. A home filled with criticism, unpredictability, emotional withdrawal or unresolved conflict keeps the body alert. Stress hormones remain elevated. Sleep changes. Appetite changes. Energy changes. The body adapts to survive, even when the threat is invisible.

Sometimes what looks like laziness is exhaustion.

Sometimes what looks like overeating is self-soothing.

Sometimes what looks like weight gain is simply a body trying desperately to create safety where none exists.

The body keeps score long after the conversation has ended.

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Women have long been the emotional architects of families. Not because they are destined to be but because many cultures quietly taught them that love meant carrying.

Carrying birthdays. Carrying children. Carrying conversations. Carrying peace. Carrying everyone’s emotional weather.

And sometimes…

Carrying the storms that never belonged to them

Many men were never taught the language of grief. Or fear. Or vulnerability.

Instead, those emotions were hidden behind silence, anger, work, addiction, distraction or stoicism where often they retract and recluse while the women have to then pick up the pieces while they hide in the shadows (See the last post above)

The shadow did not disappear

It simply found another place to live. Sometimes that place became the relationship itself. Sometimes it became the woman standing beside him, not because she absorbed his emotions like magic but because she became the container for everything he could not yet hold himself.

She anticipated his moods. Softened his reactions. Translated his silence. Protected the children. Managed the tension. Walked carefully around wounds she did not create.

Over time, the emotional labour became physical labour. Her nervous system carried what his could not.

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This is not about blaming men. Nor is it about declaring women emotionally superior. There are women who hide from their shadows. There are men who have done the courageous work of meeting theirs.

The point is something much simpler.

Whatever remains unprocessed rarely remains isolated. Pain has a remarkable tendency to migrate. If we refuse to carry it consciously, someone close to us often carries its consequences.

Children do. Partners do. Friends do. Families do.

Love should never require someone else to become the storage unit for emotions we refuse to unpack ourselves.

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Perhaps this is why so many women describe an unexpected transformation after leaving relationships that had quietly exhausted them.

They sleep. They laugh. Their faces soften. Their shoulders drop.

Sometimes their bodies change too.

Not because they suddenly became more disciplined but because survival slowly gave way to safety.

The body no longer needed to remain on constant alert. It no longer had to prepare for tomorrow’s emotional earthquake.

It could finally exhale

There is another question hiding beneath all of this.

How much of our lives have we mistaken for our own? How many burdens were inherited? Projected? Normalised?

How many kilograms have been accumulated not through failure, but through years of protecting everyone except ourselves? Perhaps healing is not always about becoming lighter.

Perhaps it is about becoming discerning

Learning which burdens belong to you. And which never did because compassion does not require self-abandonment.

Love does not require self-sacrifice

And no relationship should ask one nervous system to carry what another refuses to acknowledge.

The healthiest relationships are not those where one partner becomes infinitely strong. They are those where both people are willing to meet themselves before asking someone else to carry them.

Perhaps that is what real safety looks like

Not finding someone willing to hold all of your darkness…..

But becoming brave enough to hold your own, so that when you love another person, your arms are free to embrace them rather than asking them to carry your weight.