HOW TO BECOME THE PARENT TO YOUR OWN INNER CHILD

So, here you are! An adult, probably with a job, family, commitments, responsibilities and all the rest that comes with being an adult but one of the things that comes with being an adult is often a collection of obsessive compulsive and addictive behavioral patterns and neurological imprints that we have, over the years, low and behold collected and stored within us.

The inner child not some funky term penned by some quack psychiatrist. It is a part of who you are and always have been. From when you were the fresh and young version of who you are now. A mini thing, feeling all the feelings and moving through life as children do and then evolving into the person that you are right now, but guess what? Those feelings don’t change. The way you interpret them often doesn’t change. The way you REACT to them often doesn’t change. That archetypal imprint of who we once were gets stored within us. I have spoken a lot about this within the pages of the book “DEAR CHILD” and how as we develop from childhood to adulthood, all of what steered us and created the person we become never left us. It is very present within us but it is deeply housed somewhere most don’t often think to look.

WITHIN THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

Ah, the subconscious mind – The elusive back burner of all your memories, archives and storage files that unless you are conscious and aware of how to ‘REPROGRAM YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND’ these feelings will re-occur over and over and as adults, if we cannot find ways to cope or find safe zones to not only exist in but thrive in, we instead will seek solace and sanctuary with substitute complexities and bad habits such as compulsive disorders and addictions to ‘FILL THE VOID‘ because we cannot find the way back to the original memory templates and files that existed when we were younger. We don’t even have the first clue about where to look

This is when we become wounded, fragmented and disconnected. We seem to take external life in the now and go ‘Oh, well this is why I’m wounded and hurt’ and blame the bills, workload, parental stress, systemic confusion etc for all and any of our addictions or strange behavioral tendencies but actually, the ROOT CAUSE of all of our behaviors and how we respond to situations was something that was embedded and programmed within us as developing children. Those early days when our brains and bodies were new and open and however our childhood played out in terms of experiences, circumstances and situations then ended up becoming the wiring system to how we live our lives in the now and the only way to access that and do some DEEP REWIRING, is to go back to those memories, archives and files and have a look at the ORIGINAL MOTHERBOARD that wired you up in the first place.

This can be deep. This, depending on your experience as a child can be very raw and upsetting where a lot of the experiences you might have endured were put on the back shelf for a very good reason but unfortunately, if you want to do the great re-wiring and take a good look at where the fuses blew or the wired got burnt out you need to remember!

REMEMBER REMEMBER is something I have spoken a lot about over the last few years where a turning of the tides and a dawning of a new age was opening up right before our very eyes and in doing so, many of us started to awaken to our subconscious mindsets, thought patterns, beliefs etc and we started to spend time consciously looking to alter and re-correct a lot of what had been the norm for us with regards to our daily movements. For me, this shift really started back in 2012 where the girl I once was, party animal that grew up in Barcelona drinking, smoking, living the hedonistic lifestyle all of a sudden decided that no, the way to clear the paths required me to embrace a lifestyle of sobriety, inner peace through nature and grounding, looking at my diet and what foods I was consuming and making sure that I got enough sleep and quiet reflective time so that I could start to tune into a version of me that was far more connected and aware of the path I was following.

This new age wave of consciousness IS NOT one of talking to aliens, joining the UFO cult, giving your power away to false entities or savior gurus promising redemption or following whatever new age trickery mumbojumbo is for sale in the fast becoming mainstream collective of new age propaganda please note, it is a new wave of FINDING SELF and INNER PEACE that is acquired through deep reflection and an awakening of ones own consciousness through the healing and peeling back of trauma layers that have been collected and stored within you during the times of false light development where we were wired and set to move through life in a way by which trauma, thanks to systemic, environmental and circumstantial experiences could easily attach and embed itself within your very being.

If you grew up as a child that especially between the ages of 0-7 didn’t get the fundamental base lines set safely by responsible, caring, loving, guiding parents for whatever reason, then the chances are that as an adult, you will grow up to be doubtful, insecure and someone that attaches needs and emotional instabilities in places you can’t seem to break away from. This can look like taking on unsafe relationships in order to gain approval, surrounding yourself with false friendships so that you don’t get rejected or finding yourself filling voids with alcohol addictions, smoking, bad food habits and lifestyle choices all because you weren’t offered the safety zones and safe wired templates as a child

It can seem like a terrifying thing to try to re-wire your operating system and therefore every other system that is attached to it. I will word it like this as these days most of us are more familiar with computers and tech than we are the natural world so for better understanding of what I’m trying to say, let’s go with ‘WE’RE HUMAN COMPUTERS‘ so that it might make it more digestible as I go, but as I have explained in various other posts and podcasts and also throughout my book ‘DEAR CHILD‘, the body brain connection is something that is seeded throughout our youth and every thought, emotion and physical experience we have is based on how our ‘wiring system’ (our neurological nervous system connection) is set to play. We are all different based on our circumstantial experiences throughout our development, SURE, but the system functions are the same

If you were someone that suffered great loss as a child and you were offered safe, emotional guidance throughout that trauma as it happened your outcome as an adult will differ greatly to someone that suffered great loss and was not offered safe zones or emotional support. If you were someone that grew up in a very loving, protected and safe environment where you were encouraged to spread your wings but always knew you could come to a safe landing, your outcome as an adult will differ greatly to someone that did not develop in a loving, protected or safe environment therefore never had safe landings and probably never knew they had wings to fly

The reason I bring in these comparisons is so that you can reflect back on the childhood that you had and see if there were any areas of where you grew up that made you feel unsafe, vulnerable, exposed, under treat because chances are, if that was the case, you carry those wired threat responses with you and they’re hiding out in your back office waiting to either to re-wired or re-visited

I can tell you very openly, that even though I grew up in a childhood that on paper was a safe, loving environment, it was far from it for me. My parents divorced when I was 8 and as the eldest out of 3 children and a very highly strung, emotional child, I was often considered a ‘problem child‘ by the adults around me because they couldn’t understand themselves why I was the way I was. It wasn’t their fault because they themselves have their own traumas but I was desperate for safety, validation, approval and I didn’t seem to get it so as a teenager and young adult, I REBELLED! I was wild. I hold my hand up and admit to entering into some shitty friendships and relationships to ‘test the waters’ and see if I could gain approval from those that I knew were dangerous yet appealing. I tried drugs to expand my experiences and falsely connect with others not knowing this would take me further away from authentic, safe connections. I partied hard, closed myself off from genuine friendships because I didn’t know how to show them who I really was and I went through an ’empty shell’ of a life that might have seemed like fun but was far from it.

I met my husband after a long and broken relationship throughout my 20’s with a guy I really wanted to connect with but neither of us could. A testy 7 year relationship where I felt the confusion of language barriers, unwelcome by his family for the most part because I didn’t tick their boxes, vulnerable and exposed after a pregnancy and abortion that I couldn’t process and hugely resented him for where I felt I was blamed and shamed for the outcomes and after a number of years facing jealousy, insecurity and a general sense of ‘What am I dong here?’, we quit and I freed myself from the toxic longing for something to work that clearly wasn’t going to. After him and a few failed and pointless flings (not that many I might add), I gave myself space and time and after a year or so I met my husband and the moment I met him, I FELT SAFE. There was no drama, no expectation, no false light, no pretense. I could be me and I started seeing that I could open up and just flow with the authentic, real version of myself without the need to wear a mask. No judgement, abandonment, criticism or threat. In 2008 we got married and in 2009 our 1st daughter was born and as soon as she arrived, that was when my LIFE CHANGED.

All the ways I grew up came back to me. Hey no judgement either but my mum never breastfed me (her own choice that’s fine) and back in the early 80’s it was unheard of to co-sleep with your kids (I do feel my sleep was a major trigger as a child as I always needed to be with someone so my sister bore the brunt of my inability to sleep alone – Sorry Charlotte) but when my daughter came into this world and I became a mother, THAT is when my childhood traumas all came to the surface so I could heal them. I breastfed both my children for years and they both slept in with us and for me, this healed so much of what instilled fear in me as a child and gave me the ability to re-write my subconscious story so I was no longer afraid to sleep alone or fear the dark. These children, their very own little beings made me reconsider everything.

No, I won’t drink or smoke because they need me to be healthy and present and show up in ways that made them feel safe. No, I won’t eat shit because I want them to know what’s good for them and what isn’t. No, I won’t send them to their own rooms or let them CRY IT OUT ffs because I want them to know that if they want me they have me and that whenever they feel sad, hurt, confused, lonely, scared they’re never alone and there’s nothing to fear. The moment I took that approach for them, my whole world changed and all the fears and phobias I had as a child simply melted away and instead were replaced with feelings of connection, a renewed strength and a belief in myself. A confidence, pride and overwhelming gratitude for the journey I was on. An absolute game changer!

Listen, we all have our flaws. from 2009-2020, I went through a very slow and gradual rebirth, re-wiring myself and transforming myself into a butterfly. I used to say ‘I didn’t understand those that couldn’t quit smoking. It’s easy, you just quit’ – because back then, that’s what I did and for a purpose far greater than me. but then in 2020, a real awakening started and for 2 years, I slowly hit rock bottom. It was a rise and fall, rise and fall and all that I had grown to become started to trigger me again. A real test to see just how strong I was and if I’d really ‘learned the lessons’. I always used to say ‘You have to have a breakdown to break through’ and for the most part I truly do believe that though it sure isn’t fun but when you think you’ve got it all figured out and then another round of breakdown comes, in the form of life shattering events that are often out of your control, HAVE YOU REALLY LEARNED THE LESSONS?

You see, trauma isn’t a linear journey to complete. boxes checked, tick tick DONE (receives shiny trophy), it retrogrades back round and shows you the uglies over and over again. How you react or respond to this is everything. Have you really learned the lesson.

I am going to be honest, the relationship I have with my Dad is one I wish wasn’t so hurtful. I am very disconnected from my Dad and not because I wish to be and I am sure him either and without speaking out of terms for him as it’s his business not really to be shared, I know that he grew up with a horrendous amount of trauma and complex baggage that he hasn’t been able to shake off so, he seems to time and time again, pass it on to me. He is one of the biggest reasons I wrote my book ‘DEAR CHILD’ as I hope that by me healing me, I can also heal a little bit about whatever he’s going through, though when a situation comes back round to remind me of the darkness, pain, suffering and sadness that I feel because of his actions, I end up right back at square one and these last few years, that has been the case. Lights the cigarette and BOOM, the cycle starts all over again.

I haven’t seen my Dad since my 40th birthday on November 29th 2019. It’s been 4 years. I know that this has more to do with the fact that I live in a different country, the logistics there are obvious yet I have seen every other family member bar him. I cannot connect. There is a deafening silence between us and it hurts. I then also worry about how that silence makes my own children feel as they are the ones missing out on a shared life experience with him but I cannot heal his traumas for him. I can however, create pathways and portals that hold hope for him to heal so that somehow, somewhere we might get to share a space together that is far less painful but until then…….I forgive him of course but can I forget?

I share this because it is important to know that while we might think we’ve got it all figured out, there is always something to work on. There is always something that will happen that will make us feel emotions that are uncomfortable or that make us retreat and hide. How we react or respond is everything

I have spent the last few months really doing some deep work on affirmations. AFFIRMATIONS are a fantastic way to connect to your subconscious mind. By writing or drawing something out as either a statement or a sigil, you can literally tell yourself how to re-wire your mind

I AM SAFE

I AM LOVED

I AM PROTECTED

I AM WORTHY

I AM HEALTHY

I AM CONNECTED

I’ve often said over the last 2 years in particular, I feel like I’m on the wrong timeline. I’ve done my healing, why do I feel like this? Why am I so disconnected? I’ve blamed the place, I’ve blamed COVID, I’ve blamed my shift in circumstances only to realize that it comes back round to healing something from a timeline prior that I haven’t yet looked at so it can be re-written and re-wired. When I finished writing my book, I’d poured my heart and soul into going back through my trauma journey only to see that I was far from done. A couple of months ago, I started writing and speaking out affirmations as I saw the connection between the conscious and the subconscious mind and how the 2 need to be trained with awareness in order to SHIFT. I had done this before when the journey began but this time, I was doing it with INTENTION and deep awareness. You see, timeline jumping is a process of consciously creating your preferred reality. When the kids were born, I did this without knowing I was doing it. Now, I’m trying to get back to something that I have FELT before because creating the feeling of the desired outcome is what creates the shift but because I’ve been so stuck in lack mentality and shock over lifestyle changes over the past few years, I had forgotten how.

When doing affirmations, you are creating the feeling of the desired outcome. You have to know what it is you want (don’t waste your time thinking about what you don’t want) but by tuning into this signal of affirming your desire, you set about creating and manifesting that reality. Manifestations are a reflection of your subconscious mind so you’d better start speaking nicely to yourself and affirming situations you desire because those affirmations are a way of inserting new codes for your wiring to respond to. A new way of living. A new outcome that YOU created

And the moment you start to put these small measures in place and practice self-awareness and self-love, self-gratification, self-appreciation, your whole world changes and you can cut the ties on all bad habits, bad beliefs, bad programming. You FREE YOURSELF!

I am trying to make it sound simple because often, we are so stuck in our heads and we over complicate everything but really, IT IS THAT SIMPLE. Reflecting back over old emotions and wounds isn’t simple. That can be truly painful but it is necessary in order to conquer the steps and blocks and rise to the top. Just be careful and mindful in case you fall off again as I did and as we all do but,

YOU’VE GOT THIS! WE’VE ALL GOT THIS!